I've got an ugly face,
With spots all over the place,
I haven't got any mates,
And me clothes have gone out of date.

I go to the pub on me own,
And I drink me orange alone,
I sit and stare at the crack,
But they just turn their backs.

I want to chat them up,
But I stare at me feet,
And then I go home and I beat me meat.
I'm dead shy about the size of me dick,
And chips and gravy make me sick.

I'm a failure with girls,
I don't know why,
He's a failure with girls,
He don't know why.
I'm a failure with girls,
They're so unkind,
He's a failure with girls,
They're so unkind.
I'm a failure with girls,
They make me cry,
He's a failure with girls,
They make him cry.
Only wish I could say that I don't mind.


A Macc Lad of me took note,
And he poured a pint of bitter down me throat,
It were the first pint I ever had,
And I changed to a real Macc Lad.
Me clothes started looking real flash,
I got a tattoo and a moustache,
And me car got a go-faster stripe,
And now I pull crack every night.

And I'm not weak anymore,
'Cos me dick measures three foot four,
So don't you call me wimp,
'Cos it's three foot four even when it's limp.

I'm dead macho with girls,
I never fail,
He's dead macho with girls,
He nevers fails.
I'm dead macho with girls
'Cos I sup ale,
He's dead macho with girls
'Cos he sups ale.
I'm dead macho with girls
Thanks to Willies,
He's dead macho with girls
Thanks to Willies.
Only wish I didn't have